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[灌水]英文笑话集中营

希望大家看到 有趣的笑话也能贴过来哦~~`

What's in the Pocket?

A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double martini on the rocks. After he finished the drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, then he ordered another double martini.

     After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and ordered another double martini.

     Finally, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."

     The customer replied, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."

When was Rome built

Teacher:   When was Rome built?
Tom:        At night.
Teacher:  Who told you that?
Tom:        You did. You said Rome wasn't built in a day

Much worse

Policeman:   Why didn't you shout for help when you were robbed of your watch?
　Man:      If I had opened my mouth, they'd have found my four gold teeth. That would be much worse.

Time Is Money

As the taxi came to a screeching halt at a traffic light, I asked the driver, "Do you agree that 'Time is money'?"
     "Well, it's a very common saying. Who will care so much about that?" the driver answered.
     "Look, the digits in the meter are still running when the car has stopped, "I pointed at the meter.
     "Oh, yes. You've got a point here. In this case, time is money for both of us." added the driver.

Our Tails

The lecturer on evolution had been going on for nearly two hours. then he started again, and said he:"Let me ask the evolutionist a question --- if we had tails like a baboon, where are they?"
     "I‘ll venture an answer, " said an old lady. "We have worn them off sitting here so long."

He told me to see you

Doctor:  And whom did you consult about your illness before you came to me?
Patient:  Only the druggist down at the corner.
Doctor:  And what sort of ridiculous advice did he gave you?
Patient:: He told me to see you

How do you know that?

Bob: My car doesn't have a speedometer.
Rob: Then how do you know how fast you're going?
Bob: Well, when I'm driving at 15 miles an hour, the fenders rattle; at 25 miles an hour, the windows rattle; and at 30, the motor starts knocking-and that's as fast as it'll go.

I always do

Two motorists stopped head-on on a bridge too narrow for their cars to pass.

"I never back up for an idiot." said one driver angrily.

"I always do." replied the other as he shifted into reverse.

Chief is at the wedding

A police stopped a motorist who was speeding on the street. "But officer," the man said, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to put you in jail until the chief gets back."

"But ,officer, I …."

"I said to keep quiet! You are going to jail!"

A few hours later, the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "You are lucky because the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Are you sure?" answered the man in the cell. "I'm the groom."

Sooner or later

A thief with a long record was brought before the judge.

Judge: Have you ever stolen things?

Thief: Oh, now and then.

Judge: And where have you stolen these things?

Thief: Oh, here and there.

Judge: Right. Lock him up, officer.

Thief: Hey, when do I get out jail?

Judge: Oh, sooner or later.



哈哈。这个够拽

keys to your success

One day a father was teaching his son and said, "The keys to your success are keeping your word and cleverness.  Once you promise somebady a promise, you must carry it out on matter what will happen.  This is called 'keeping one's word.'

     "What is cleverness? asked his son.

     "Cleverness is that you'll never make such a promise, " the father asnswered.

His head must be empty too

Little Bobby: I've got a stomachache.
　　Aunt Tess:    That's because you haven't eaten and your stomach is empty, so it hurts.
　　Little Bobby:  Now I know why Uncle Harry has headache all the time. His head must be empty too.

Don't eat the eggs

A man walked into a new dinner and told the waitress, "I 'll have two fried eggs and a kind word."
　　When the waitress came back with his order, the man said, "Thanks for the eggs, but how about the kind word?" The waitress then whispered , "Don't eat the eggs."

It looks like popped rain

A little girl from South was seeing snow for the first time. "Oh, Mommy," she cried excitedly, "What is it?"
　　"That's snow, dear," answered her mother, "What did you think it was?"
　　"It looks like popped rain!"

I want it to be a surprise

Lady:  I'd like to buy a sweater for my dog.
　　Clerk:  What size?
　　Lady:  I have no idea.
　　Clerk:  Well, why don't you bring in the dog and try one on?
　　Lady:  Oh, I can't do that. I want it to be a surprise.

Be responsible

Employer:   In this job we need someone who is responsible.
　　Applicant:    I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.

Loss of voice

One guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doctor, my wife has lost her voice. What should I do to help her get it back? "
　　The doctor replies, "Try to come home at 3 in the morning."

Excuse for speeding

A cop pulled a car over on the highway for speeding. When he asked for the driver's license, the driver argued, "Speeding? But officer, I was only trying to keep a safe distance between my car and the car in back of me."

This is my seat

It was a woman's first time on a plane. She boarded the plane and found herself a window seat.
　　After she settled in, a man came over and insisted that she was in his seat. She ignored him and told him to go away.
　　"Okay," replied the man. "If that's the way you want it, you fly the plane."

哈哈哈。.这个有意思

What a big deal

A young businessman had just started his business, and rented a beautiful office. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and pretended that he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
　　Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor. "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone."

One hundred percent

Patient:  Doctor, please tell me the truth. What are my chances of recovery?
　　Doctor:  Just one hundred percent! Statistics show that only nine out of ten die of the disease. Now nine of my patients have already died of it. You are the tenth!

Whose Dog Is Smarter

Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter.

First Woman : "My dos is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me.

Second Woman : "I know..."

First Woman : "How?"

Second Woman : "My dog told me."

Good Boy

Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. 　　

"What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
　　
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
　　
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
　　
"She is the one who sells the candy."

Chicken soup

Joe was in the hospital and it was time for lunch. He looks at his lunch and says, "I don't like chicken soup, bring something else."

The hospital worker said, "It's good for you, the doctor said you should have it." Regardless, the patient refused to eat it.

That night, a patient in the room with Joe had a bad stomach pain so the nurses came in to give him an enema. By mistake, they gave the enema to Joe.

The following week, when he was leaving the hospital, a new patient asked him how he liked the hospital.

He told him, "Well, the hospital itself is pretty good, but they're very strict about their food. Here's a good tip - when they bring up chicken soup you better eat it, or else they'll come back in the middle of the night and shove it up your behind!"

Lost Purse

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of shopping at the mall. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.

    Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."

    The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."